Deaf & Crazy

If you are deaf and schizophrenic, instead of hearing voices, do you see sign language?

Save the Cows!

So I'm watching the television at work the other night, something I like to do, when all of a sudden it strikes me that I'm watching a frickin' rodeo. Now this in and of itself is bad enough but after seeing how brutally they beat-up, wrestle, and tie-up these poor calves it really surprises me that the Humane Society or some other animal rights groups have not made a big deal out of these events. It just shocks me that we worry about perfume and hair products being used on rodents and yet let this go on. I would much prefer a great smelling gerbil with a nice hairstyle to this violence on my television.

Sit-Down Comedy

The other night while drunk and rambling on like I sometimes do, one of my friends thought I was fairly funny and suggested I try open mic night at a local comedy club. While I considered this idea I realized that I'm just too lazy for stand-up comedy, so I'm wondering if sit-down comedy would be just as entertaining!

The Flyswatter T-Shirt (Another Million Dollar Idea)

It's that time of year again. Flying bugs and insects time. I really don't miss any of these creatures all winter long. So here's the new idea along with a quick little story about how it came to me.

I was bar tending the other afternoon, it was just me hanging out because enough people haven't figured out that you can do some of your best drinking in the afternoon. Well, I should say that I thought I was alone, there was one other in the room. That's right, ONE damn fly. and he decided that he was just going to mess with me all day long. Well after a few miserable swipes at it, and a few choice words, I decided it was time to settle this little battle. So I walked the 8 feet it took me to get the flyswatter and was ready to do business. However my foe was not new to this, having seen me arm myself he hastily retreated and was not seen from again. Until I set the flyswatter just out of my reach, at which point he resumed his attack. Damn, he was good! So after going through this routine a few times my new million dollar idea struck me, T-shirts with pictures of flyswatters on them! You would never have a fly bother you again and you wouldn't have to try and fight them off the old fashion way!

Another Million Dollar Idea a.k.a. Lucky Charms

So this morning I sat down for my usual bowl of Lucky Charms and I had a flashback to my childhood. I remembered the days when I would get up before my mother and sneak downstairs. Now why was I sneaking? It was because I had a brilliant idea, I really liked Lucky Charms, especially the marshmallows! Let's face it they're the only reason we like this cereal in the first place. The commercial says it all, "Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes, Clovers, and Blue Moons! Pots of Gold and Rainbows, and me Red Balloons!" You'll notice that nowhere in there do they also mention, "Crunchy little brown things!" So to get back to the present day, as I'm sitting here this morning picking all the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms box (and not even caring about where the toy is for once) it hit me. Why not just sell a box of the good stuff in the first place. I understand that this may not be a big hit with parents that don't want kids hopped up on sugar all day, but now that I'm in my 30's and free to do what I want I don't feel the need to waste my morning separating my cereal! Anyone else with me out there?

No French Allowed! (Dressing That Is)

Somewhat recently I visited my somewhat local Olive Garden. I hadn't been to an Italian restaurant in some time but I was talked into it by a group of friends who insisted it would be so great. So anyways, upon being seated we did the usual, ordered drinks, then spent time pondering what we would order before the waitress returned. Upon her return my three friends ordered ahead of me. While being the last one to order I was asked what kind of dressing for my salad. I responded "french" thinking nothing of this, and nothing else was asked. Now comes my confusion, upon receiving my salad, I did not receive any french dressing. Not a big deal I thought, I will just remind the waitress. At this point my friends along with the waitress began to laugh, thinking I was joking or something, my confusion continued. My friend further informed me that you cannot get french dressing at an Italian restaurant. I was completely unaware of this, has anyone else heard of this insane rule? I would be delighted to hear if I am the only one who spent 30 years of his life completely oblivious to this little law cuisine. Can I have Swedish meatballs at an American cafe? Can i have french toast in Mexico? Can I have American fries in Europe? Please someone
help me!

Million Dollar Ideas

Let's face it, who wouldn't like to be a millionaire? The only people I can think of who wouldn't are billionaires, and I don't know a lot of them. I've been thinking of how to make my first couple million lately. The lottery thing hasn't worked out too well so far. I haven't been able to get myself onto any of those game shows that just seem to give cash away, the dumber you are the better it seems! So I've decided to take things into my own hands and come up with some million dollar ideas. You know, those things you see on late night TV that you just can't possibly live another day without.

First Idea - A nightstand with a built in cup holder. Aren't you sick of waking up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. Now it would be right there. In a holder so you won't spill it while fumbling around blindly in the dark, and what the heck we could even put a little cooler in the nightstand to keep it nice and chilled! Possibly even a little LED to prevent all that blind fumbling I mentioned earlier. Unless you really are blind, then the light won't help much. But if you are blind you are probably not reading this either and will never have to hear of my fantastic idea. Lucky you!

Number Two - A mirrored shower/bath mat. Now some of you are confused so I will explain. For anyone who's ever tried shaving in the shower (not your face), mostly ladies and I'm guessing more men than are willing to admit it, I know how hard it can be to shave a place you've never even seen with your own eyes. So for the less flexible out there this would be a great item to save on nicks and cuts where you really, really don't want them! Also it might prevent some slips and slides who knows. I however will not be responsible for the trauma caused or the counseling needed after seeing yourself from this particular angle.

That's all for today, I will continue to add to the million dollar ideas as they come to me.